The "Life is..." abuse !!

Just read a status message update on Orkut from one of my 'friend', read something like... "Wanna get lost from life and don't know where!"
Alright.. I know there's nothing in it to feel ridiculous about, but this is not a single instance where I have seen someone writing a "philosophy" about life, there are many of them... I see people saying something about life everyday which is rather meaningless, put into the status message just because it sounds good. Everyone seems to have a "philosophy" about life these days. There's nothing bad about it, infact it's one of the greatest things to introspect every now and then,but here's a thing..
When so many people are writing things about life, it means two things: either they mean it or they don't. If they mean it and put it into beautiful words... great!! But on the other hand, if almost everyone is having a philosophy (which apparently changes everyday, with a new quote found on thinkexist.com or something similar), it gives me serious concern about my cloud growing full of idiots. I should probably say that the world around me seems to be going thoughtless, dumb, irrational, non-analytical and everything else that doesn't count towards wisdom. The worst thing about it is, it irritates me... because the majority of them is after the same thing... i.e. putting someone else's thoughts into their lives, living by someone else's rules, expressing yourself with someone else's words or even thoughts even when the thoughts probably mismatch to a large extent. That's the reason why these days, when I read a sentence beginning with "Life is..." I take it as an abuse to life, unless I know he/she really means it.
What's my corner then? Do I have a philosophy... yeah I used to have many, but not anymore. For me, life is life... it's my today, this moment. I don't give a f***k to what it really means, it means living and nothing else. Life is a battle - bull shit, it's survival and you fight when you have no other option left. Life's love - double bull shit, it's a way to get your needs satisfied, when you have something better, you don't give a f**k to your so called love and needless to say...love dies while we are still alive. Life's a journey - No way!! Noone wants to get out of the comfort zone unless it's really needed and demanded by desires, lust, greediness, ambitions and expectations. Nothing's unselfish and purposeless in life... you live to please yourself and most of the times others. ...
Therefore, the extremist in me... whenever presented with a sentence "Life is..." would answer "bull shit"

Vienna

Day's last one-way ticket train pulls in
We smile for the casual closure capturing
There goes the downpour
Here goes my fare thee well

There's really no way to reach me
There's really no way to reach me
There's really no way to reach me
'Cause I'm already gone

Only so many words that we can say
Spoken upon long-distance melody
This is my hello
This is my goodness


There's really no way to reach me
There's really no way to reach me
There's really no way to reach me
'Cause I'm already gone

Maybe in five or ten yours and mine will meet again
Straighten this whole thing out
Maybe then honesty need not be feared as a friend or an enemy
This is the distance
And this is my game face


There's really no way to reach me
There's really no way to reach me
There's really no way to reach me
Is there really no way to reach me?
Am I already.....

(Most beautiful thing I've come across in recent past... just loved it. Song's Vienna by The Fray)

Spaces and intimacies...

This by far is one of the sweetest things written for me by a fairly unknown but intimate friend... It's a series of offline messages... She says she'll rather put me offlines than writing a blog, coz I'll have no option but to read it.
I think she wrote it until she reached the maximum limit... :) This is just a copy paste...
Cute!!

gracie said (Yesterday at 7:03 AM):
no offlines?
wat happened?

gracie said (Yesterday at 7:04 AM):
anyways what are u up to today?

gracie said (Yesterday at 7:05 AM):
im in my usual day.. work.. tiresome.. had a very rude passenger today... well what else does rich people do but to be rude and highly demanding..

gracie said (Yesterday at 7:06 AM):
he took all of my time.. callin me back asking nonsense stuff

gracie said (Yesterday at 7:07 AM):
how i wish people like him to just take advantage of free drinks and wine.. and just be drunk the whole flight... and snore his way down the landing platform..

gracie said (Yesterday at 7:08 AM):
well when we landed and all my duties over walking past through security gates just waiting for shuttle to holler us back to our designated sleeping quarters....
he came out of nowhere

gracie said (Yesterday at 7:09 AM):
and started to make pass at me with his obnoxious self and absurd statements on how many hotels he owns in this area
so i just shrug it off and went on to my routine.. and boarded the shuttle leaving him flustered

gracie said (Yesterday at 7:10 AM):
well i was thinking how people can be sooo overconfident with their vast richness
thinking that they can all buy people easily

gracie said (Yesterday at 7:11 AM):
see how money destroys u
thats why being rich only leads to wanting more to be rich.. and leading u to get all u want and wanting more things that u cant have...

gracie said (Yesterday at 7:12 AM):
i wished people didnt discover the whole idea of money growth

gracie said (Yesterday at 7:13 AM):
we could all plucking weeds in our farms all day... and lived by eating grass..
but again were on the age of success.. and bidding more to have endless success that never stops.....
am i soooo pro-grass??

gracie said (Yesterday at 7:14 AM):
lol
well im just babbling.. since ur not online
im just typing stuff that is cluttered in my head

gracie said (Yesterday at 7:15 AM):
i think thats better rather than chatting on chat-avenue and get scarred for the rest of my life
i have no intentions seeing flashin willies on my screen

and if im a mood like this.. i dont think that there will be such a person who will enjoy this kind of chat.... this kind of stuff im using....

gracie said (Yesterday at 7:16 AM):
cause they all just wanted ...... "know how i look like, what im wearing, u have msn, u have cam....."

gracie said (Yesterday at 7:17 AM):
so id rather chat with u while u r offline
not that it matter if u have the time and patient enough to read the whole thing
cause im sure... i am talking too much
so ill stop now

gracie said (Yesterday at 7:18 AM):
and hope to catch u online
byeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee

If tomorrow never comes

Sometimes late at night
I lie awake and watch her sleeping
Shes lost in peaceful dreams
So I turn out the lights and lay there in the dark
And the thought crosses my mind
If I never wake up in the morning
Would she ever doubt the way I feel
About her in my heart

If tomorrow never comes
Will she know how much I loved her
Did I try in every way to show her every day
That shes my only one
And if my time on earth were through
And she must face the world without me
Is the love I gave her in the past
Gonna be enough to last
If tomorrow never comes
cause Ive lost loved ones in my life
Who never knew how much I loved them
Now I live with the regret
That my true feelings for them never were revealed
So I made a promise to myself
To say each day how much she means to me
And avoid that circumstance
Where there's no second chance to tell her how I feel

--
One of my old favorites.... just love the lyrics.

A car... what the fuck is the deal with it anyway.

So, I became crazy after looking at her (I am talking about the car, very few girls are worth it... anyways). I decided to buy her, she's not all that costly (definitely and obviously costlier than I can afford), but she's way ahead of her time. Not that I know much about cars but experience (in researching) teaches you every damn thing that you would've thought you would ever know. I mean.. seriously... If they make me a stock broker some day, for the sake of my bread and butter and later for more butter and less bread I am sure I will evolve into a good stock broker or good anything... even a clown... whatever, who gives a shit.
So, falling in love and deciding to buy it was the easiest part. Looking for same or similar models online on autotrader, craiglist and other god damn places was fun to be honest. It was still fun until I got into serious buying. When I personally met some dealers I was damn frustrated by some features of this god damn country's financial schemes. One thing that's been pinning me from day one is the stupid thing called credit history. In my dictionary, I'll define credit history as bull-shit for the simple reason that it IS a b.u.l.l .s.h.i.t. I don't understand the deal with these people. You need to be a good beggar to be a good buyer. They won't lend you money based on your bank balance, but based on how much you have borrowed from someone and payed back with interest. Let's talk about the credit card. That stupid card builds your credit history faster when you use it but sparsely. Wait, gimme a moment, why would I use a credit card if I didn't need few extra bucks. Or why am I expected to even touch it if I had enough money with me. For me, going by Indian economy my savings are my assets and not how much of a good borrower I am. Probably, that's why my country's economy is still in tact, actually growing. I can say this looking at my mom's example who got a raise by 40% in her salary. All in all, India rocks !!
The bottomline is.. I am pissed off.. big time and I'll have to wait almost for a month more to get hands on any car yet..which sucks. Oh wait... one more thing.. I don't have driver's license. So, it's a bit of my mistake too. :P
Finally.. I don't know why I wrote all these rubbish things. For timepass I guess :P

What makes me happy?

Life gave me one more reason to smile today. I got the confirmation that I'm gonna continue working where I am working till the end of this year. Cool!! more time, more money more chances of getting a full time. Although I am not sure how much do I want a full time here in US, it sounds alluring, just because everyone else is dying for it. Anyways, I'll do what I have to do, when I have to do. For now, I'm OK. Oh wait... did I say OK?? Was I supposed to say I am happy or on top of the world or crap like that. Well yes, I was supposed to, but I can't. That doesn't mean I am unhappy. I am just OK. For a moment when I read that email it felt amazing. I shared this news with my fellow interns at lunch. They were not too excited about it. Well... agreeably they didn't have a personal reason to get happy or excited about it. They greeted with a congrats and that's where the news died. I was again normal, as if nothing had happened and afterwards it was just another day.
These days if I have to count the number of things that actually make me happy, I'm pretty sure that I'll get a number very close to zero. There's always this sense of incompleteness in every accomplishment for one or the other reason. Sometimes it's the lack of eligibility... a thought that whether or not I deserve this, specially when I see others just like me or better than me deprived of these so called accomplishments. I will prefer a failure for my incompetence to a success for my luck.
Other times it's just the absence of motive. I don't know for what and for whom and why am I doing all this hardwork for. I am just doing it for the heck of it. There's no one I can turn back to and say, "See... I've done it !! "

To sum up, there's something terribly wrong with me which doesn't let me become happy even when I have my reasons. I don't want to care about it but I do.... I miss my failures and someone giving me confidence. I miss the words... "You can do it... rather you'll have to... for me, for us"

The clock ticks life away

"You fuckin' idiot! You commit guys for pickup and you don't care to move your lazy ass out of this crazy wearhouse..." , Krishna shouted on Pranay as soon as he opened the door.

"Abe, how come you arrived today? I thought you are gonna arrive on 12th Aug" Pranay snapped looking at me, all confused and little bit surprised
"Yes !! IT IS 12th Aug today... chu***", I replied sounding frustrated and throwing down my orange jacket on my suitcase.
"Awee man.. I forgot. Sorry yaar !!"
"It's okey dude... Fortunately I found someone in my flight who had a pickup scheduled. That kinda saved my ass..."
"Thank God... I completely forgot!! You wanna have some water..."
"Ummm... yeah.. I guess so."
Pranay sent Ankush to bring me some water. There was no glass in the kitchen. Ankush found a small cup in the kitchen, whose handle is now broken, half-filled it with tap water and offered me. I have the exact same cup in my hand right now!!
"There's no glass.. sorry !!"
"Ahh.. it's okey.. Thanks :)"

This was how I got the taste of "THE United States" when I first arrived here in San Diego on this day, exactly 1 year ago. My missed pickup is still one of the evergreen topics of discussion and subsequent laughter. Although the place was new, people were new I was anything but afraid. Probably because I had left behind everything that was ever of any value to me, however I also had other heartful of dreams, some of which died with time, others were killed before I could even do something to realize them and I'm living the rest of them.

I have been awfully busy, ridiculously free, tremendously happy, painfully sad, unreasonably lucky, inexplicably unlucky, insanely high, pleasantly calm... everything I could be in these 365 days. I did everything I could do to please myself and sometimes punish myself. Yes.. time showed me everything. I laughed, I cried, I made friends, I earned foes... I missed nothing. And this exact thing gives me tremendous joy when I look back.

Today was tiring for me, with lot of work to do. But when I'll go to bed tonight, I'll have a smile on my face, for all the good time I had. Maybe afterwards, I'll have a couple of tears in my eyes too...for all the things I lost, for all the dreams those were shattered. But life moves on, it moved on. Maybe time changed me a bit. Maybe it changed me a lot. My priorities are different. My dreams are the same, but there's no driving force behind them...there's no motivation except myself. But I guess, that's pretty much I need. I'll again wake up tomorrow with a smile on my face... and the first statement I'll hear from one of my roomies will be...
"Fuck u swap... y din u wake me up earlier.."
And I'll say... "Good morning..." with a smile on my face, the smile that I wear for the entire day thinking that "I am on my way..."

Let me make it very (un)clear...

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