Life gave me one more reason to smile today. I got the confirmation that I'm gonna continue working where I am working till the end of this year. Cool!! more time, more money more chances of getting a full time. Although I am not sure how much do I want a full time here in US, it sounds alluring, just because everyone else is dying for it. Anyways, I'll do what I have to do, when I have to do. For now, I'm OK. Oh wait... did I say OK?? Was I supposed to say I am happy or on top of the world or crap like that. Well yes, I was supposed to, but I can't. That doesn't mean I am unhappy. I am just OK. For a moment when I read that email it felt amazing. I shared this news with my fellow interns at lunch. They were not too excited about it. Well... agreeably they didn't have a personal reason to get happy or excited about it. They greeted with a congrats and that's where the news died. I was again normal, as if nothing had happened and afterwards it was just another day.
These days if I have to count the number of things that actually make me happy, I'm pretty sure that I'll get a number very close to zero. There's always this sense of incompleteness in every accomplishment for one or the other reason. Sometimes it's the lack of eligibility... a thought that whether or not I deserve this, specially when I see others just like me or better than me deprived of these so called accomplishments. I will prefer a failure for my incompetence to a success for my luck.
Other times it's just the absence of motive. I don't know for what and for whom and why am I doing all this hardwork for. I am just doing it for the heck of it. There's no one I can turn back to and say, "See... I've done it !! "
To sum up, there's something terribly wrong with me which doesn't let me become happy even when I have my reasons. I don't want to care about it but I do.... I miss my failures and someone giving me confidence. I miss the words... "You can do it... rather you'll have to... for me, for us"
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