A car... what the fuck is the deal with it anyway.

So, I became crazy after looking at her (I am talking about the car, very few girls are worth it... anyways). I decided to buy her, she's not all that costly (definitely and obviously costlier than I can afford), but she's way ahead of her time. Not that I know much about cars but experience (in researching) teaches you every damn thing that you would've thought you would ever know. I mean.. seriously... If they make me a stock broker some day, for the sake of my bread and butter and later for more butter and less bread I am sure I will evolve into a good stock broker or good anything... even a clown... whatever, who gives a shit.
So, falling in love and deciding to buy it was the easiest part. Looking for same or similar models online on autotrader, craiglist and other god damn places was fun to be honest. It was still fun until I got into serious buying. When I personally met some dealers I was damn frustrated by some features of this god damn country's financial schemes. One thing that's been pinning me from day one is the stupid thing called credit history. In my dictionary, I'll define credit history as bull-shit for the simple reason that it IS a b.u.l.l .s.h.i.t. I don't understand the deal with these people. You need to be a good beggar to be a good buyer. They won't lend you money based on your bank balance, but based on how much you have borrowed from someone and payed back with interest. Let's talk about the credit card. That stupid card builds your credit history faster when you use it but sparsely. Wait, gimme a moment, why would I use a credit card if I didn't need few extra bucks. Or why am I expected to even touch it if I had enough money with me. For me, going by Indian economy my savings are my assets and not how much of a good borrower I am. Probably, that's why my country's economy is still in tact, actually growing. I can say this looking at my mom's example who got a raise by 40% in her salary. All in all, India rocks !!
The bottomline is.. I am pissed off.. big time and I'll have to wait almost for a month more to get hands on any car yet..which sucks. Oh wait... one more thing.. I don't have driver's license. So, it's a bit of my mistake too. :P
Finally.. I don't know why I wrote all these rubbish things. For timepass I guess :P

What makes me happy?

Life gave me one more reason to smile today. I got the confirmation that I'm gonna continue working where I am working till the end of this year. Cool!! more time, more money more chances of getting a full time. Although I am not sure how much do I want a full time here in US, it sounds alluring, just because everyone else is dying for it. Anyways, I'll do what I have to do, when I have to do. For now, I'm OK. Oh wait... did I say OK?? Was I supposed to say I am happy or on top of the world or crap like that. Well yes, I was supposed to, but I can't. That doesn't mean I am unhappy. I am just OK. For a moment when I read that email it felt amazing. I shared this news with my fellow interns at lunch. They were not too excited about it. Well... agreeably they didn't have a personal reason to get happy or excited about it. They greeted with a congrats and that's where the news died. I was again normal, as if nothing had happened and afterwards it was just another day.
These days if I have to count the number of things that actually make me happy, I'm pretty sure that I'll get a number very close to zero. There's always this sense of incompleteness in every accomplishment for one or the other reason. Sometimes it's the lack of eligibility... a thought that whether or not I deserve this, specially when I see others just like me or better than me deprived of these so called accomplishments. I will prefer a failure for my incompetence to a success for my luck.
Other times it's just the absence of motive. I don't know for what and for whom and why am I doing all this hardwork for. I am just doing it for the heck of it. There's no one I can turn back to and say, "See... I've done it !! "

To sum up, there's something terribly wrong with me which doesn't let me become happy even when I have my reasons. I don't want to care about it but I do.... I miss my failures and someone giving me confidence. I miss the words... "You can do it... rather you'll have to... for me, for us"

The clock ticks life away

"You fuckin' idiot! You commit guys for pickup and you don't care to move your lazy ass out of this crazy wearhouse..." , Krishna shouted on Pranay as soon as he opened the door.

"Abe, how come you arrived today? I thought you are gonna arrive on 12th Aug" Pranay snapped looking at me, all confused and little bit surprised
"Yes !! IT IS 12th Aug today... chu***", I replied sounding frustrated and throwing down my orange jacket on my suitcase.
"Awee man.. I forgot. Sorry yaar !!"
"It's okey dude... Fortunately I found someone in my flight who had a pickup scheduled. That kinda saved my ass..."
"Thank God... I completely forgot!! You wanna have some water..."
"Ummm... yeah.. I guess so."
Pranay sent Ankush to bring me some water. There was no glass in the kitchen. Ankush found a small cup in the kitchen, whose handle is now broken, half-filled it with tap water and offered me. I have the exact same cup in my hand right now!!
"There's no glass.. sorry !!"
"Ahh.. it's okey.. Thanks :)"

This was how I got the taste of "THE United States" when I first arrived here in San Diego on this day, exactly 1 year ago. My missed pickup is still one of the evergreen topics of discussion and subsequent laughter. Although the place was new, people were new I was anything but afraid. Probably because I had left behind everything that was ever of any value to me, however I also had other heartful of dreams, some of which died with time, others were killed before I could even do something to realize them and I'm living the rest of them.

I have been awfully busy, ridiculously free, tremendously happy, painfully sad, unreasonably lucky, inexplicably unlucky, insanely high, pleasantly calm... everything I could be in these 365 days. I did everything I could do to please myself and sometimes punish myself. Yes.. time showed me everything. I laughed, I cried, I made friends, I earned foes... I missed nothing. And this exact thing gives me tremendous joy when I look back.

Today was tiring for me, with lot of work to do. But when I'll go to bed tonight, I'll have a smile on my face, for all the good time I had. Maybe afterwards, I'll have a couple of tears in my eyes too...for all the things I lost, for all the dreams those were shattered. But life moves on, it moved on. Maybe time changed me a bit. Maybe it changed me a lot. My priorities are different. My dreams are the same, but there's no driving force behind them...there's no motivation except myself. But I guess, that's pretty much I need. I'll again wake up tomorrow with a smile on my face... and the first statement I'll hear from one of my roomies will be...
"Fuck u swap... y din u wake me up earlier.."
And I'll say... "Good morning..." with a smile on my face, the smile that I wear for the entire day thinking that "I am on my way..."

Let me make it very (un)clear...

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